It gets worse before it gets better... so they say.

Let me begin this post by saying that it has been a complete whirlwind the past 8 weeks in our household.


We have gone from suicide watch with the complete family to a big shift in what the household looks like now.


I have gone through a personal internal struggle that has played out before my eyes in multiple levels and multiple scenarios.


This has been more than just a change of seasons. This has been a monumental change in almost every faucet of my being.




I had gone on a weekend retreat to discover and open my eyes to some of the opportunities that I believe that God and the universe was revealing to me about my true purpose in life. It was at this weekend retreat that I was once again opened to the possibility of the true toxicity of relationships in my life.


It was when I came home, that it was discovered that the main toxic relationship in my life (since ending the relationships with my adoptive parents) was going to be unrepairable.


We will delve into the details on this revelation in future posts. But, just know that it was revealed and confirmed to me all at the same point in time. It was confirmed that this relationship was not going to be able to recover - because in order for a relationship to be fixed and repaired... both participants needed to be willing to drop all armor, swords, barriers, and be naked, raw, and honest. And, I just saw that this was not the case and wasn't going to be the case in the future in regards to this specific relationship.


Unfortunately, these kind of revelations have ripples.


There was a sermon that I heard in the church that my family used to attend years ago, that still sticks with me. In this sermon, the Pastor spoke about the ripple effect, and how our sin can create this ripple effect that reaches out far more farther than we ever can anticipate.


The saddest part about this ripple effect, is that it has no limits on space or time. And one doesn't realize this until the consequences that are in relation to that sin come a calling.


So, after some long discussions, and hard decisions being made...


My husband moved out.


As you read in my last post, my family has been having struggles with mental health in one of my teenagers lives.


This had reached the ultimate worse case scenario. My teenager had attempted suicide when I was not at home. I was out with a friend and was out on a day-trip away enjoying a newly admitted hobby of mine.


On the drive home, I started to receive text messages from my daughter that told me to not freak out when I started to receive the alerts from my parental alert app, that it was exaggerated on her posts than what really happened. However, she wouldn't tell me what happened, nor would she answer the phone when I attempted to call her. And then - my phone went dead.


When I got home... nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary, everything seemed calm and serene, and it was really late at night. So, believing what my teenager had said in her posts - that whatever the post was that she was talking about was just an exaggeration, I went ahead and plugged in my phone and went to bed with everyone else.


I awoke the next morning to several alerts on my phone from the parental alert app, and started to read these "posts" that my daughter had mentioned in her text. Only... it wasn't an exaggeration. It was a detailed account for her attempting suicide by strangling herself. I immediately woke her up and asked her about it. She told me that this incident wasn't triggered by any specific incident, event, or person. And that it was something that she did on impulse, and couldn't control.


Let me tell you... from this Mom's heart.... this was one of the single most horrible and hardest things to hear from my daughter's mouth.


I immediately took her to the Children's ER. Especially because she struggled to see the severity of the situation, and was unconcerned that this was an attempt on impulse. And worse yet - her father and brother were both home when this attempt happened, and she didn't feel it necessary to tell them, reach out for help, or even say "Boo!" to them about it the night of the incident. The ONLY communication about the whole thing...


was a text to me

who was 2 hours away from home

telling me not to freak out about it

when I saw something about it on the parental alert app.



ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!


We were able to get her admitted for a 24 hour observation. This is where we saw another crisis counselor. And then she was discharged to a mental health ER for a Psychiatric evaluation. We went there, she was diagnosed with depression, had her meds changed... and told...

get this...

to have her evaluated by a Psychiatrist for future determination and diagnosis in regards to a possible eating disorder.


And here we are again.... Brick wall?... head... Head?... brick wall....

The good news or silver lining in all of this.... the treatment center that she was on the waiting list for - said that she was now only about 4 weeks out for a spot. But, that now with the attempt of suicide - she would also be placed on the waiting list for their residential program. Because, they believed that she would be now considered severe enough that this would be beneficial.


So, we went back to our new normal.... suicide watch protocol, walking on egg shells trying to support my husband while he was looking for an apartment, and start moving out, doing a cash-out refinance on the house (so that we could afford to pay the double rent & mortgage on the house, and double bills during the separation), finishing out the school year...

to finally having my husband move out...

and then - 3 days later...


Getting the call that they have a bed available at the residential program!


This call was a mix of emotions. I wanted to sing Hallelujah and scream bloody murder at the same time.


Instead - I went into task mode. I had only 48 hours to get my teenager packed, and dropped off at the center that was a little over 2 hours away after all, and convince her that it was a good idea.


She has now been there for 12 days. We had our first visitation yesterday. It was awkward at times... but, overall went well I thought. She did tell us all that she loved us. And even smiled and laughed a couple of times that we were there. She shared some of what she is learning.


The best part?!?


She's alive...

and that's what matters most!!



Love you friend! Hold on. We will get through this together. Let's journey on!


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