Why am I 50 years old, and feeling so confused on what to do with my life?
I realize that this is a silly question to those that know me at all. And it shouldn't have me sitting here scratching my head. But, it does.
I was offered a training session from a friend. And I was excited to take it on.
Because, honestly - I was hoping that this training session that she shared with me, would help me to figure out what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life.
Through out my life, I have always heard of people talking about the....
Mid - life Crisis
I was one that always thought... that won't be me.
Because, from an early age, I was trained to know what I was going to grow up to be.
Granted - that was whatever my Mom told me that I was going to be. And no... I'm not exaggerating.
I always knew, that growing up with a mother that had undiagnosed mental health issues, that it would be easier to be quiet and do what I was told to do. That way, the abuse would just remain silent, and hidden.
I'm not sharing this for pity. I'm not even sharing all of this trauma to get attention.
I am sharing my history, and my life story so those of you that endured something even similar - you know that you are not alone. You know that there is someone else on this earth that can, and does relate to you.
And I guess in a way... I'm hoping to find out that I am not alone in this quandary.
Because, quit frankly:
It really sucks being 50 years old and not knowing what you want to do with your life.
So, I hear you asking - "How? How does this happen?"
To be honest - it's a lot simpler of an answer than you would think.
I wasn't present.
I was simply a passenger on my life train. I was never, nor did I ever consider to be, the conductor.
Why would I be?
See, when you are only along for the ride in your own life - everything is decided for you. You never have to consider the upcoming turn, or whether or not you need to slow down the upcoming crossover of traffic. You just exist. You just observe. You don't engage.
And, when this all starts at an early age for you:
You learn to stuff every emotion, reaction, or stimulus. Because you learn that any feelings, emotions, or reactions that differ from the one that is the conductor of your life train:
ends in detrimental results.
So, you go into a state of just existing. You put on your smiley face, and you walk about your day.
The end result of that?
Is one day... you wake up out of this trance.
And you look around you to find that you are now 50 years old. You have not accomplished anything that you actually wanted to do in life. You are no where that you want to be. Your body is no where near the shape that you want it to be. You are not even living in the state that you wanted to be in as an adult.
The ONLY thing that is positive about where you are now... is you have two beautiful children on this earth with you, and somehow - you haven't been too much of a zombie, and have made some pretty good friends along the way.
So today, I sit back in my chair... and I think to myself, "So.... What now?!?"
I know that changes need to happen. I am not happy with where I am in my life. I am not happy with any of it. But... what to do? What to do?!?
Let's pick up our bags, and journey on down the road my friend. I may not know where we're going. But, I know 1 thing. We will be together, and where ever we end up - it will be because WE chose to be there.
And that my friend... is the true definition of Finding My Voice.